my realizations that both hate + love were genuine emotions that became my own medicine teaching me both, what I stand for + what I want no parts of
Mending a broken heart is an internal job, for sure. It's a strange complexity. Even the moments + people that were there for you during your heartbreak, many times can only give you a key or two to the pain you experienced. The real healing, the work of understanding what you can about what you've experienced, the meeting your new self + integrating your lessons and truths into your next chapter, the nourishing and rest required to support you through your journey, is yours to commit to + do. There are guides for sure like therapist, teachers, people who you relate to, but the WORK will always be yours to feel through, sort through, release, and integrate into your NEXT step.
Why did it have to hurt / disappoint you so bad ? What were, if any, your expectations ? Did you have any requirements ? Did that person ever display an ability to meet those requirements ? Did you settle in any way ? Were you journeying a new venture, engaging in a new world with this person or was this experience familiar ? Did you fall in love with your mind's fantasy of them or the reality of them ?
Did loving them, give you an opportunity to fall in love with yourself ? Did the time spent with them teach you anything new ? Do you still love them regardless ? How deep is your love for them ? Is it deep enough to let them go + still hold their memory in love ? Deep enough to let them grow on their own ? With out your insight , your assistance ? Is it deep enough to be honest with them about your true emotions, no false love yet brutality ?
What are your boundaries for YOURSELF around this person ?
Do you know it's ok to Love + completely walk away ?
Did anyone ever teach you that No is a form of love ?
Has love gone completely digital, is that why this world's version of Love can glitch ?
My love is unique. I love silently + deep. I love in the present moment. My love is present in my breath. Inhaling to feel the room's vibrations, exhaling to remember truths.
I love with a lot of unprovoked curiosity.
I love slowly.
Sometimes, I love not at all.
I love possessively. I love selfishly. I love secretly.
My best love blooms privately.
Where I get to realize all the ways a person drives me.
Drives me in a multitude of ways.
Drives my heart to feel ranges of emotions, as I reflect on ounces of conversation we drank from each others lips, as words dripped from our mental + into each others streamline of focus.
I love the requited attention kind of Love. Love with genuine desire + reciprocity.
I have a love that I have witness free + lift energetic weights up off of people.
my love has also weighed people down.
if I am being honest, my love just learned how to let go. my love has always held on. at times, my love has felt like she is 5 years young.
sweet, yet impatient.
impulsive feelings, intense, at times, demanding. but at the core, caring.
even when she is not around, still invested. heart on her sleeve, still checking.
I've had to intentionally mature my love, grow her up through life's lessons, help her expand by stretching her discipline so that we might experience true forms of resilience + freedom.
quieting my worries disguised as internal debating.
episodes of ego deflating; vivid nights of past self birthing my current self into my ancestral knowing + pride filled form.
series of insecure meekness + humbleness discarded; fully acknowledging my sensitivities + bringing my whole being back ONLINE.
my love is learning not to worry.
the faith that is being instilled into me, brick by brick, is teaching me how to enjoy being slow + steady. patience is a virtue that reveals all, in due time.
Because Time BE a factor.
my love is not always that nice.
when I love I am sure, my eyes still glisten at the sight, I can literally feel the twinkle sparkling in my eyes. my love is playful + energetic. magnetic. my love is sensual in essence + so often yearned for. & yet, my love is often pushed away.
quickly heard + then shunned. my love is at time, too real of a pill to swallow.
some say my love feels shallow, while some drown in the depths of my love, saying my mystery never ends...it still intrigues me all the perceptions I receive,
because when I finally do look up and hear their opinions,
it still baffles me...
does the world even feel me,
maybe it is because my love is like the ocean, rocky tides ready to shift near the shorelines
yet, in the mist of the ocean's bay, there lies a content serene sanctuary.
waters diverse. no limits.
boundless + relentless.
all present at once.
I can feel when my love, starts to waters acres of fields of barren land reminding one of life's most purest attribute: will - power
a reminder of sorts, influential, dedicated to our empowerment, ruled by the ruler who never binds...lands we water.
Interesting, how just as quick as I can love, I can hate.
I was taught growing up not to say " I hate" I can remember my Father saying, "those are strong words, don't say that." Out of respect, I obliged but around the age of 24, I realized that there are things in this life experience that I deem worthy of Hate.
I realize hate + love were genuine emotions I felt + learned to embrace. It gave me insight of what I was for + what I wanted no parts of. I know my Fathers reason for instilling that in us, was that because Hate can consume you. Hate can have you so angry + fueled up with anger with a person, place, and / or thing, hate can destroy your own well being and peace, rob you blindly if you let it consume you, change you, taint your spirit, but then again, so can "Love".
+ funny thing is as I say that sentence, I know so many will say...well if it does all that,
THEN THAT IS not love, which though we do agree on...walk with me ::
Love, at least what is deem to be love in this American Culture, consumes people too, which is why one thing I absolutely know is, Love is not enough.
We need unity centered in legacy + purpose.
Purpose allows you to properly channel your Love + your Hate into something sensible, useful, productive, or even innovative. That is why I've chosen to claim my Love + my Hate, as my own. They are emotions I birthed into this reality, feelings that surged through me + they require my guidance, like children of mine, I must raise them, investigate into them, see them for who they are, see the roots that birthed them, + let them pour into me, wisdom.
children have always had so much to teach their parents, I must let these range of emotions of mine teach me their gifts as well.
I will not abandon them, that would equate to me abandoning myself. To not feel, feelings that can through my vessel would be a dishonor + disservice to my god given divinity.
They are my emotions to feel + make sense of.
So, I will sit with them, make them tea while they visit, + grow to understand, both my love + my hate, making sure, neither of them blindly lead me astray.
Inquiring into them...letting them express and lead the conversation, while I observe their impact, their intent, their wounds.
Like willful children pleading for their way, I will listen + I will see.
Both my love + my hate, I claim them as my own.
Therefore, I will raise them into maturity,
Taking full responsibility for all they become.
Good, Bad, Indifferent give me the credit.
Through My Eyes,
Omitola
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